Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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