i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
