im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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