someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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