I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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