He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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