i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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