Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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