I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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