Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
