Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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