Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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