I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
