When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
