this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
