i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
