There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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