We're facebook friends in real life
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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