I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
