dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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