And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
