I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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