Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
