I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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