took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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