you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
