I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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