I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
