Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
