She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
