I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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