What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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