cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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