Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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