My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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