Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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