Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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