My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have aggressive nipples.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
