i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
