i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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