Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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