bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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