Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
