our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
