oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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