My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
