I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
