I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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