1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so fucking centered right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
