Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
