The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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